Expert's Exchange
by SurfaceMemory
Summary: Lightning was off the deep end; there was no way this was going to work. Switch places with Cloud for a day and try to convince your friends you had a sex change. Flawless? Cloud doesn't think so. Cloud/Tifa, Light/Fang. One-Shot.


Written in response to a request on the FFXIII Kink Meme with the aid of AkiraDawn:

_In honor of April Fool's Day Light and Cloud (who know each other but the others of their respective universes don't know about them (Snow doesn't know Cloud) they decide to switch places and convince their respective friends that "they've" gotten a sex change, [specifically looking for FFXIII gang's reaction]_

_How the group reacts is up to anon, as well as how long the two can keep the charade up (I picture them as either really close friends or relatives, and to be able to act as one another quite well (i.e., Cloud moving like Light, even though he's not))._

_**Rated M for heavy use of language.**_

* * *

><p>It was a battle of blue eyes, and clearly there would be no winner...at least not right away. She traced her finger over the rim of her glass and watched him rather expressionlessly. He interlaced his fingers and peered at her over the backs of his hands.<p>

"And you think this is a good idea because?" he asked her.

"Because we can pull it off, that's why." She said, picking her glass up off the table and leaning back in her chair. She sighed before tilting the glass to her lips and didn't take her eyes off the blonde across from her.

"Not interes..." and he was cut off.

"No, you are interested...because there's something in it for you if you'll just play along." She promised, leaning forward and slamming her glass on the table.

He just looked at her, but she just grinned one of her rare grins as she traced her finger on the beaten bar table. "You want to see if this will work just as much as I do."

"You're drunk."

"I'm not even buzzed." she muttered as she leaned inwards. "So, how about it? If you win I'll teach you the trick of having summons last longer than ten seconds on the battlefield."

He hesitated.

"Okay...but what do you want out of this?" He was quite leery of her deal.

"All I want is to know is the science behind Materia Fusion. It fascinates me." She said. He sighed.

"Well, we need to lay some ground rules here." He insisted before Lightning Farron could just fly off the deep end with her crazy scheme.

"What kinda ground rules?" she asked, letting her eyes wander around the bar.

"When I get that sword back...there better not be a scratch on it, do you hear me?" Cloud Strife took that sword pretty damn seriously.

"Like I can even lift it." she rolled her eyes.

"Don't you take that thing so...nonchalantly." he told her with narrowed eyes.

"Yeah, okay...what other demands do you have?" she asked, looking away as if she wasn't even entirely listening.

He sat there for a moment thinking things over. Taking a sip of his own drink, he stared at Lightning.

"Don't scare Tifa too much." he muttered, Lightning stared at him as if he was insane.

"Right, because I plan on hitting on your girlfriend."

"She's not my girlfriend." he was defensive and almost agitated when he said it

"I rest my case."

He glared at her before crossing his arms. "Okay then, Farron, what are your ground rules?"

"Hmmm..." Lightning raised a finger to her lips and stared at the ceiling as she thought about that.

"Hope's a friend of mine and unlike you; he doesn't think the world owes him something...don't mess with him. Besides...his innocence is endearing."

"Oh, I do NOT think the world..." Lightning cut him off.

"Relax, Spikey...that's...that's what that one guy calls you, right? Spikey?" Lightning asked.

"You can't call me that!" he insisted.

"Sorry, you already stated your demands...I'm supposed to stay away from the girl and you stay away from Hope Estheim. Oh, and don't make friends with Snow...he'll make you dumber than you already are." Lightning swallowed more of the liquid in her glass. "Then there is Sazh, he's the funnyman of the group, but I'm sure you know how to deal with that." She paused.

"My sister, Serah, you're going to have to try really hard to convince her, she'll probably try to hit you with a frying pan though." Lightning muttered. "Well her and Vanille." with that she finished her drink. He stared at her.

"Is that it?"

"That's it Cloud." she looked at him with a grin. "Do we have a deal?"

Cloud glanced around the darkened room. He still wasn't one hundred percent on this but what the hell? He nodded his head.

"Fine...it's a deal." He said reaching out for Lightning's hand and shaking it.

**FFVII**

The hot water was running in the sink and Tifa let a cascade of dishes go slamming against the stainless steel. It was quiet inside the bar tonight. Nanaki was curled up in the corner with Cait Sith snuggled up against him. She could faintly hear Cid Highwind and his lurrid mouth upstairs. She presumed Aerith to be asleep. She knew Barret would be returning soon anyway. As for Cloud? She only wish she knew.

The door opened and Tifa looked up. "Hi." She said, returning to the soaking dishes.

"It's late, why are you still up?" a matter-of-fact voice said to her.

She shrugged her shoulders. "Dishes have to be done; makes for bad business otherwise. You want something to eat?"

He shook his head. "Nah... it's okay."

"Where are you going?" Tifa asked, watching Cloud walk away up the stairs.

"Bed." he muttered pointing up the stairs.

"Goodnight." Tifa said as he disappeared upstairs. It was times like this that made her want to reach for the whiskey bottle.

She crossed her arms and looked around the bar. She didn't hear the usual clink of his sword when he rested it in the corner of the room for the night. Tifa frowned, that entire encounter seemed a little off, but she just couldn't place her finger upon it. Returning to her dishes she sighed again.

"I wish you could have at least told me how your day went." she muttered finishing up the last set of plates.

Tifa could hear Cid yelling at Cloud upstairs. It was something to the effect of...fuck something...fuck something else...where the fuck have you been, and Tifa was pretty sure that Cid ended his sentence with something something fuckity fuck before the slamming of a door was heard.

Nanaki raised his head and his garb jingled as he walked over to Tifa. "His smell." was all he said, making himself comfortable again.

"Hmm?" Tifa questioned.

"There's something different...about his scent. Pardon my frankness of nature but... it seems to smell of a woman." Nanaki said.

Tifa looked over to him in the floor and found her hands paralyzed in the sink.

"Your nose never lies, does it?" Tifa asked.

Nanaki shifted his gaze to the floor. "No...no it doesn't." He perked his ears forward as he heard the slamming of a glass into the sink and the rattling of bottles on the shelf behind Tifa. She had grabbed the whiskey bottle and was guzzling it straight as if it were water.

"Tifa..." he sighed. "No, I won't stop you." Nanaki said before drifting away into slumber again.

**FFXIII**

Serah hummed idly to herself as she worked on scrubbing the kitchen clean from that night's dinner. It was always a hassle cleaning up the group of five to eight people every night, thankfully it was only a party of five. Lightning was out, doing something work related while Sazh was home because little Dajh was sick with the flu. Fang or Vanille usually helped with the dishes but Serah had already sent Vanille away. The younger Pulsian had already done her share and Fang was just plastered on the couch. Turned out Snow and Hope were running a bet of some sort and spiked the poor woman's drink.

Serah just looked at the clock as she scrubbed away the last item that needed to be cleaned, her trusty frying pan that had seen more action than what any pan should see in it's lifetime. It was getting late, even for Lightning. She heard the backdoor open up, Lightning's favoured method of entering the house if she was in a foul mood (Her trainees must have pissed her off). Boots kicked off, then stormed up the stairs. Yup, don't bother Lightning until morning.

Serah turned back to her pan and dried it off, putting it away as Snow came in to the kitchen

"Was that Sis I heard come in?" he asked. "She sounded upset."

Serah looked up with a weak smile.

"You know how Lightning is when she's had a bad day." Serah sighed as she followed Snow out to the living room. "Nothing can calm her down except sleeping it off or... the person passed out on the couch." She glared at Snow who just grinned sheepishly.

"Hope said it wasn't gonna work, after all Fang is bloody resistant." he sighed. "We'll deal with it in the morning anyway."

"Did Light speak to you at all?" Hope asked, his hopes up slightly, but Serah shook her head.

"Strange, Fang usually wakes up like a bloodhound when Lightning gets home no matter what time of day it is." Snow said.

"True, I guess you guys really did her in." Serah muttered shaking her head in disappointment.

"Come on. Like you said, we'll just deal with both of them tomorrow. You know how Fang is when she wakes up and, well, do I really need to say it?" Snow said.

"Hasn't gotten any? Yeah, I know." Serah rolled her eyes while flipping the light off.

Serah and Snow were getting ready to head upstairs when they were interrupted by the patter of feet rushing down the stairs. Vanille stopped in the middle of the staircase with her eyes as wide as the moon

"What's up with you?" Snow asked her.

"Sssshhhhhhh! KEEP YOUR VOICE DOWN!" Vanille squeaked in a frantic whisper.

"You're the one that's acting like a crazy person!" Serah said.

"There's something majorly wrong upstairs." Vanille remarked seriously.

"Wait...is this about the upstairs drain because..." Vanille cut Snow off.

"NO! This is about YOUR sister. Something's not right." Vanille said, pulling on her fingers.

"Well what!" Serah demanded.

"I don't know! It's...it's something but I can't put my finger on it!"

Serah crossed her arms. "Look Vanille, I'm tired, everyone is tired." she looked at Hope who was standing at the base of the stairs, confused, but the young boy knew better than to go into Lightning's room. "We'll figure it out in the morning, okay?"

"But the morning might be too late..." Vanille whined, Snow just clapped a massive hand on her shoulder and shook his head.

"Don't worry about it, if we can't figure out what's wrong, Fang will, Fang always does." he smiled, Vanille shook her head as she watched the other three walk past her, Hope wishing her goodnight.

"By the time Fang finds out she'll be running for the hills." she muttered.

**FFVII**

"Hey! Spikey! The hell you think you're... oh what. The HELL. Is THIS?" Barret roared as he examined Lightning all over. Lightning found herself dreadfully uncomfortable as Barret pawed all over her.

"Are you...are you a SHE! What the fu- CID! CID GET THE FUCK IN HERE!" Barret yelled.

"Barret, why the hell are you?" Cid looked down the stairs, oh… that. "This is going too fucking far Cloud Strife!" Cid really needed a cigarette by now.

"THE HELL'D YOU DO!" Barret picked Lightning up by her collar.

"Hey, has anyone seen...who's she?" Aerith asked quite concerned over what she was seeing as she came down the stairs.

"THAT'S WHAT I WANNA KNOW!" Barret roared. His hand lifted to strike Lightning in the face.

Naturally, Nanaki started sniffing, only far more obtrusive this time.

Tifa was standing at the top of the stairs watching all this unfold. She thought for sure this was the result of a bad hangover.

Lightning snarled as she pried herself from Barret's mechanical grip and adjusted the front of her black shirt. She couldn't quite understand how Cloud could go day in and out always wearing black. Taking a step back, she sized up the gunner and then finally responded.

"What do you think?" she snapped. "I'm still Cloud."

"Did Materia backfire on you or something Cloud?" Aerith asked, slightly clueless at the whole ordeal. Lightning turned to the woman and frowned.

"Yea, something like that." she muttered, sitting herself back down at the bar.

"So, lemme get this straight. You're a fuckin' chick now? I can technically sleep with you now?" Cid asked blowing cigarette smoke all over Lightning.

She choked on the smoke. "Technically...I guess." She glared "Can we not discuss that?" Lightning cut the last part out because this was the first time she actually had to deal with a question like that coming from another man.

Cid laughed. "Okay." was all he said, however, there was still Tifa to deal with...

Lightning found herself uncomfortable as Tifa leaned in very close to her. Lightning swallowed hard because somehow she knew that Tifa knew more than she should. She could kick Cloud's ass for not telling her that this girl had known him since they were kids. "Uh...you're really close to my nose." Lightning muttered.

"Yeah, yeah... funny. Those look too real to be fake. Well you know, implanted...err...oh whatever! I'm not dealing with this! I am not! Barret! You and I have stuff to do!"

"You know, she does have the same face as Cloud." Barret muttered, turning to Cid as Tifa looked Lightning over. "Maybe it was Materia that did it."

"Well fuck me." Cid growled scratching the back of his head. "Like hell I would know. Maybe Materia would do that to someone, Cloud is now a pink haired chick with real melons." he tried his hardest not to laugh. Even when Tifa looked like she was ready to sock Lightning and rip Cid a new one.

"Look Tifa." Lightning started. "I didn't know that this was going to happen, but what's done is done, there isn't anything I can do about it." Lightning tried to reason, wondering if she spoke too much.

"No, it's fine." Tifa sighed, turning around so she was no longer facing Lightning. Farron tilted her head in confusion. "I just…" she stopped her train of thought again as she started to wash that morning's dishes. Lightning jumped when Cait Sith climbed up on her. In fact, she was mortified that this robotic creature would do such a thing. "What! What are you! I mean…fuck." it was entirely unconvincing.

"I happen to fancy this look, Cloudy! I say keep it!" Cait Sith hopped down just as quickly.

Lightning wasn't certain what her place was at this point. What exactly did Cloud DO aside from go around with this lousy attitude about things and carry a huge ass sword that not even she could lug around! She was uneasy but she didn't let it show. She had to think...

"Would you please... please! Stop sniffing me! I'M ME!" Lightning roared, clearly she was annoyed with Nanaki.

"Hey! I'm...I'm..." Yuffie came barging through the door with her hands overflowing with Materia. She was out of breath. "Sorry I'm late. Man! You should have seen all the Materia I...Cloud, why is your hair pink?" she said dropping Materia everywhere.

"Well, things...happen sometimes when you mess with the wrong Materia." Lightning muttered, slowly losing her patience.

"What the! How the! Noooooo! Is...are...WHERE THE HELL IS CLOUD AND WHO THE HELL ARE YOU!" Yuffie yelled, pointing an angry finger at Lightning.

"Calm down...I'm Cloud. I just had something go wrong with a delivery last night and well..." Lightning lied trying to force a smile; she knew she was failing miserably. She needed to act Cloud-like and fast.

"I don't like this one bit..." Yuffie pouted, stomping on the floor.

Lightning huffed and stood up quickly. "I'm going out." With that, she walked out the door and slammed it behind her. Everyone paused for a moment before there was the collective.

"That's our Cloud."

Cait Sith jumped up onto the bar and looked at Tifa who was ready to shatter the glass in the hand. "Is something wrong with you Lassie?"

"Why didn't he tell me last night?" Tifa muttered, remembering last night's happenings. "I noticed something was off last night, but he was so quick. Do you think this scares him just as much as us?" she asked, Aerith leaned forward on the counter.

"I thought it would at least stay blonde."

Tifa sighed. She wasn't for once going to judge Aerith's naïveté. "I think he/she's hot!" Cid said without reservation.

"Yes, Cid, you would." Nanaki shook his head and turned around in a circle a couple times.

"Do you think he actually went somewhere?" Barret asked.

"I doubt it...Vinnie's gonna be here soon!" Yuffie exclaimed as she cleaned up her Materia mess.

"That's true. It's not like we can leave or anything without Vincent." Tifa sighed.

"Hey," Aerith started. "Why is this bugging you so much?" she finished after hesitating.

"It's not?" Tifa muttered back.

"Well, with the way you're acting, I think you don't like the new Cloud." Aerith said as she smiled at Tifa's back.

"It's going to take time to get used to." Tifa muttered turning around to lean against the counter.

The door flew open and it was none other than Vincent Valentine, much earlier than initially expected, with Lightning wrapped under his arm.

"Alright, does someone want to tell me who the hell this chick is and what she did with Cloud? 'Cause she's not talking." Vincent growled, tightening his hold on Lightning.

"No no Vincent. That's our Cloud!" Aerith protested.

"Vince, how do you know that's not Spikey? She looks and acts exactly like Spikey." Barret stated, Vincent just rolled his red eyes.

"It's quite obvious actually." he stated as she fought with the struggling Lightning, undoing various buckles that kept the accessories on before pulling off her shirt and throwing her on the ground. Lightning grunted when landed. Everyone's eyes zoned in on the blue-white brand of a L'Cie on her left breast.

Cid spoke first.

"As fucking sexy as that is, that's not really proof."

Silently, Vincent threw an ID Badge in Highwind's face; the man caught it and read it aloud.

"Lightning Farron."

"Fuck." Lightning swore.

Tifa walked back to Lightning, her shirt in hand as she looked the Farron over before slapping her. Lightning winced as the brunette turned Lightning to face her again after finally handing her her shirt.

"So, where is Cloud?"

"That's kinda of a long story." Lightning muttered coolly back.

"We got time." Tifa stated, helping Lightning back up onto her feet. "We want to hear it."

The great Lightning Farron whimpered.

**FFXIII**

Fang groaned when she awoke, it felt like she'd been stepped on by an Oretoise; something only a seldom few live to tell the tale afterwards.

The bloody music Vanille had decided to play extremely loud this morning wasn't much of a soother anyway. Holding her head she sat up, she realized that she had fallen asleep on the couch. Clearly Lightning didn't come into the house that night; otherwise she would be in bed with her girlfriend. Slowly standing up, she stumbled into the kitchen where Vanille, of all people, was preparing breakfast as she smiled at the younger Pulsian.

"Mornin'." Fang muttered as she looked for painkillers. Vanille smiled as she turned around to face Fang, her grin dropped.

"Have you seen Lightning yet today?" she asked, almost hesitant. Fang didn't quite register that in her voice as she popped the pills. "I'm about to rejoin her in bed, why?" she asked, Vanille shook her head.

"Not my place to say, really." she muttered, Fang stared at her for a moment before nodding, heading up the stairs.

An earsplitting un-Fang-like scream pierced the heavens right afterwards. The sound of someone being thrown out the bedroom down and down the stairs followed right afterwards. "FUCK!"

"WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS! AND WHY THE FUCKING HELL IS IT IN MY FUCKING BED!" Fang shrieked.

"Ooooh boy." Vanille said mostly to herself as she poked at something in the skillet before her. No pun was intended in her comment.

"Ugh, I think my spine is broken." Cloud mumbled to himself.

"ANSWER THE FUCKING QUESTION!" Fang roared.

Naturally, her ruckus successfully woke the rest of the house.

"Hey, hey Fang...why you gotta...what did you throw down the stairs?" Snow muttered, appearing out of his bedroom door and staring at what Fang had done. "Girl, you gotta work on that temper of yours." He said shaking his head in confusion.

"I'm gonna kill you Farron." Cloud muttered under his breath knowing that none of them could hear him. How could Lightning not tell him of her girlfriend! Slowly, he stood up, stretched his back, and looked up the stairs where Farron's girlfriend, Fang, was talking to a hulk of a man. That man had to be Snow.

"Fang? What the hell?" he shouted back up the stairs where the woman stared down upon him. He watched as the lancer jumped down, putting even Cid Highwind's jumps to shame. The tanned woman picked him up by the collar of one of Lightning's sleepshirts and stared at him, she freaked and dropped him back down.

"Holy fucking high heaven!" Fang shouted at Cloud. "What happened to you Light?"

"I got thrown down the stairs in my sleep." Cloud sneered back as he stood up. "What does it look like?"

"You're a fucking dude!"

"That right."

"Why?" Snow was the one to ask now. "Did you not like being a woman Light?"

Fang walked away, unable to bring herself to listen to the answer as Cloud sighed.

"It was becoming impractical at work, so I figured this would be the best thing for me." Cloud reasoned. Surprisingly, Snow bought it. It scared Cloud. "Actually, I had a run in with a Fal'Cie go bad. There isn't a way to turn me back."

"FUCK!" Fang's cry echoed, she heard it anyway. "What fucking Fal'Cie? I'll fucking kill them!" she appeared out of the blue with her lance, Hope beside her. The young boy gave Cloud a once over but before he could say anything Serah appeared

"What's going on Snowbo?" she asked as the larger man wrapped his arm around his fiancée.

"_That's_ what happened," Snow pointed to Cloud. "Lightning isn't exactly a chick anymore."

"Is this for real? That can't be my sister! It just can't!" Serah exclaimed, watching Cloud scoop himself up from the stairs that Fang oh so affectionately threw him down.

"Well, it is. Watch how she... he... walks. It's your sister alright. I guess that Fal'Cie did a number on her." Hope said observantly.

"I FUCKIN' SWEAR I AM GONNA FUCKING KICK SOME FUCKING SERIOUS FUCKING..." Serah cut Fang's rant off.

"Just put down your lance and come downstairs, Hope is right." Serah's voice was laced with some disappointment as she headed down the stairs.

"I think she's hot." Snow said out of absolutely nowhere following closely behind Serah.

"Are you… what the fuck was that?" Fang bitched at Snow as she returned her lance to its rightful resting place. Once in the kitchen, Serah examined Cloud carefully. She somehow convinced herself that some of Lightning's traits still lingered there. Hope was behind Snow and he had to admit that he was rather curious about Lightning's sudden transformation but he wasn't sure how exactly he should be reacting. Fang was the last down the stairs. She was seething with combination of rage and, well, more rage. "I can't sleep with you! What am I supposed to do now! Huh! Damn it! I hate the Fal'Cie! FAACK!" Fang crossed her arms and threw herself up against the kitchen cabinets.

Cloud, on the other hand, was slightly proud that he still remembered how to walk like a chick. Watching Fang bicker like that, she had to be really close to Lightning. Vanille had ignored Fang's shout and pulled out food she was keeping warm in the oven. Cloud served himself a moderate amount and began to eat. He realized after a few seconds that everyone was watching him.

"What?" he asked after swallowing, Hope spoke first.

"You even eat like Lightning." he muttered before filling his own plate, Cloud rolled his eyes.

"That's because I _am_ Lightning." he muttered, annoyed. Vanille leaned in.

"So Light. What Fal'Cie did this to you?"

Cloud thought for a second. Lightning, the real one, had supplied him with an outlandish story she promised the group would buy. But he wasn't going to use it, Lightning was drunk at the time. "Guardian Corps mission, we found this new type of crystallized power source, they call it Materia, apparently they can do more than just cast fire."

Vanille gasped leaving the rest of the group was confused. "We know about those! They're said to be fragments of crystallized L'Cie who have been destroyed! Like Fang's fath..." she she paused. While Fang shot daggers at her.

"Can you not mention him?" Fang hissed at her.

"She's gonna be cranky until she talks herself into bein' bisexual." Snow whispered to Serah. That actually made Serah chuckle a bit. He was at least partially correct...maybe a little more thankfully.

"So uh...Lightning," Hope muttered hesitantly, "do you uh...feel any different?"

"What the hell kinda question is that, Hope! She has a bloody pe..." Serah quickly cut Fang off.

"No, no, no, no, no...no. We get the idea Fang, no need to elaborate on that one." Serah said hurriedly helping Vanille.

Cloud cleared his throat, gaining everyone's attention once more. "Hope, that's not really an appropriate question to ask." he stated. A very Lightning-like answer but yet the same way he would answer. Standing up and setting his dish next to the sink, he turned to Vanille. "Thanks for breakfast; I'm going to go get ready." With that he left, still retaining Lightning's stride. Everyone just stared, and then the attention was turned to Fang.

"So you think you can still fuck Lightning?" Snow asked quickly, Fang's head hit the table.

**FFXIII**

Business was booming at Lebreau's bar that evening. "So, you know a girl that owns a bar too?" Cloud asked Hope.

"Huh?" was Hope's response.

"I mean, yeah this is a cool place." he quickly corrected himself. Thank goodness it was Hope and not, Fang for example. And speaking of that Pulsian woman…

"Should someone slow her down? She's on her seventh drink and she's desperately looking for action." Snow commented.

"HEY! HEY! YOU'RE HOT! YOU WANNA MAKE OUT AN' SHIT!" Fang yelled at some poor young girl. The girl embarrassingly looked away. "MY GIRL'S A GUY NOW YEAH...I'M NOT IN TO GUYS! HEY! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU LOOKIN' AT DUMBASS!"

Once Fang got going, there was no stopping her mouth or the volume of it. Once she realized that that girl wasn't interested she staggered over to another one at the other end of the bar.

"You'd never guess wha' happened to me." Fang slurred as she leaned too close to the girl in the corner. The girl looked interested. "Stupid crystals my girl into a guy… I don't do guys." Fang grinned holding her drink up. "Wanna make me happy?" she asked, the girl quickly walked away to her boyfriend. "Fuckin' bitch." She muttered.

Serah turned to Cloud. "You're her girl- I mean boyfriend. Shouldn't you stop her?" she asked, Cloud looked at her as if she was crazy.

"Do you think I want to be the victim of the wrong end of her lance tonight?" he asked quickly, Serah just got behind Cloud and pushed him towards Fang. "Well it's kinda your fault that you got turned into a guy Light, you should make up for it!"

"And do what?" Cloud protested.

"Kiss her! Make out with her! Prove to her that you're still you!" Serah snapped, Cloud swallowed, but he wasn't exactly Lightning.

"Hey... who's that sexy new friend of yours Serah?" The blue haired member of Team NORA came up to the group and pressed up against Cloud, causing the man to flinch. Serah sighed.

"Bismarck did something to Lightning, that's her Yuj." Serah explained, the teen jumped back as if he was shocked. "Well that explains why he? Or she?" Yuj tilted his head to the side as he studied Cloud's face. "Flinched, Lightning hates men."

_Fuck you Farron, fuck you_ Cloud thought to himself quickly. _You coulda at least told me you were gay, or about Fang._ He snarled to himself before sitting down beside Fang, the woman drunkenly whirled around in her seat.

"I can' even look at you! I mean, I can' even...d'you wanna make out?" Fang asked, completely contradicting herself as she leaned in closer to Cloud's face.

"Uh..." Cloud panicked. "If you don't want to, we shouldn't." it was the worst excuse ever and it was just enough to send drunk Fang in to a crazy frenzy.

She slammed her glass down. "Are you not even thinkin' 'bout all the hot and crazy nights we've spent together! Are you sittin' there tellin' me you don' MISS THAT! The way you would pin me down and..." Cloud cut Fang off nervously.

"Please, please, PLEASE...stop talking." he said burying his face in his hand. "She is gonna get it..." he mumbled under his breath referring to Lightning.

"Look, Light." Fang turned around in her barstool to face Cloud. "I love you and all, but it's so sudden, I just don't think I can bring myself to... not now." Fang was solemn and speaking deep for someone who had just downed eight shots of whiskey.

"Just kiss her, I mean him, Fang." Lebreau was leaning up against the bar. "It's not the outside that matters, it's what's on the inside." she grinned, then looked at Cloud holding her hand up to her face and mouthing 'Call Me.' causing Cloud to roll his eyes. Lightning's friends were way off the deep end.

"Come on Fangy!" Vanille jumped on the Pulsian's back, throwing Fang forward a little. "Lightning is still Lightning! She still loves you! As a man or a woman! You just gotta get over the penis part!"

"Will you just shut up?" Fang snapped back

"Hey, everyone! Sorry I'm late, had to drop Dajh off at the sitter's. Hey Lightning, what's... whoa. Does someone want to tell me what's going on with uh, with whatever's going on?"

Vanille quickly pulled him aside and gave him the condensed version in twenty seconds.

"Ah, okay?" Sazh muttered. "Man, I'm gonna have to have a drink on that one. Lebreau! Remy Red." he told her before turning to Cloud. "You know Lightning, you're surprisingly attractive as a male." Then Sazh realized what he said as he threw his hands up. "I mean, it's not like I'm saying that you'd be an ugly male or anything!"

"You wanna know else ruins her!" Fang slurred at Sazh

"Bloody Maker! Has Fang been drinking?" Sazh questioned.

"Honey, you have no idea." Lebreau said, sliding a glass of Remy Red toward him.

Sazh sat down beside Cloud and bumped shoulders with him. "So, how does it feel to be part of the brotherhood now?" he asked, winking. Cloud just stared at him.

"Excuse me?" he asked, Sazh just shook his head. "You're still Lightning on the inside." he grinned, drinking his drink. "Too bad you're a guy Light, you're going to be on the couch for a while with Fang the way she is."

"Oh for FUCK'S SAKE." Fang growled as she grabbed Cloud by the front of his shirt and pulled him to her, mashing their lips together in a kiss. Cloud flinched in surprise but quickly responded, knowing that's the right thing to do if he didn't want to be dog housed by Fang tonight. When Fang pulled back she was surprised.

"Hmmm...well...you still kiss like my Lightning." Fang said easing up a little, surprising Cloud. He could feel his stomach churning over the fact that he had just kissed a woman that he was pretty sure was borderline on being crazy.

"Now, what else can you do like she does?" Fang's eyes were drunkenly wild. If Cloud figured out that he could do any other 'Lightning' things he was going to need to see a professional after this was all done.

"Uh, I need a shot of something..." Cloud looked around nervously. "Tifa's gonna kill me." He muttered quietly as he put a hand over his mouth.

"A shot! Yes! Give manly Lightning here a shot!" Fang said climbing onto Cloud's lap.

"There is a slight chance she's gonna get arrested before this night is over." Vanille said to Serah.

"Vanille, there's an extremely good chance of it." Serah corrected her.

Cloud sat there in horror as Lebreau passed him a Vodka shot. Fang had gone all from hating his guts, well, his dick, to sitting on him! This wasn't going to end well. If Fang got any worse she would probably try sleeping with him and _that_ was a recipe for disaster. Fang looked at him over the shoulder.

"Don't think that I'm gonna sleep with you tonight, I'm still not ready for manly Lightning." Fang grumbled as she threw back yet another shot causing Cloud to sigh in relief. He was still going to be a dead man after all of this.

Drinking his drink and realizing that Fang was slowly becoming more and more affectionate towards him, he decided to see if he could pay attention to what the others were talking about. Snow seemed to be the center of attention, probably because of him saying that he thought that he was hot had him questioning his sexuality now.

"You mean to tell me that you've never looked at another guy, thought it was a chick and said to yourself, damn that chick is hot!" Snow said exasperatedly.

"Nope."

"No."

"That has never happened, man." Sazh said patting him on the back.

"Damn...well what happens now?" Snow questioned.

"Well, I hope NOTHING!." Serah exclaimed laughing.

"Hey look! Fang is trying to get the new and improved Lightning to dance with her! Oh, it's not going well." Vanille commented.

Fang was tugging on Cloud as hard as she could.

"Fucking Etro! That damn Fal'Cie made you strong as hell! Now come on! Dance with me NOW!" Fang demanded still lugging on Cloud as hard as she could. So she could throw him down a staircase but she couldn't get him off this barstool? Right, she was drunk.

Cloud stayed glued to his seat, he wasn't about to go dancing with Fang, Tifa, or anyone. No matter how much alcohol was in his body. Instead he pulled Fang back to him and wrapped his arms around her waist.

"Neither of us are sober enough to stand up on the floor Fang, we'll just be a mess." he whispered into her ear. Fang groaned and just ground against Cloud's lap.

"But Lightning..." she whinned, Cloud rolled his eyes.

"No Fang, not now." he answered.

Cloud realized he was going to somehow end up as Fang's full-time babysitter.

"Come make-out with me in the corner." Fang said trying her best to lay her lips on Cloud.

"We're outside. There is no corner." Cloud reminded her.

"Oh, well, then come make out with me over there!" Fang said, pointing, but really her hand was just kind of flopping around.

"No, how about you just sit there nicely." Cloud said trying to sit her back down in her chair. Thank goodness Lebreau showed up as a convenient distraction.

"So Fang, since what Lightning has between her legs now doesn't suit you...can I have it?" she winked.

"Hey! You stay the hell away from my manly Lightning! Can I have somethin' else to drink?" Fang asked.

"Water. Make it WATER." Cloud warned Lebreau.

"Right... water... right..." Lebreau nodded as she walked away. Cloud took Fang's hand and started to pull her away. Fang flashed Cloud a pleading look but he shook his head.

"We're going home, to bed, you're too far gone Fang."

"But Liiiight." Fang whined, Cloud shook his head and started to drag her out of the bar.

"You're going to bed, you're going to feel it in the morning."

"Party pooper as usual Lightning." Fang grumbled as she started to pull the other way. Cloud sighed and quickly picked Fang up and threw her over his shoulder, ignoring the punches and kicks to his body.

"No Fang. Bad Fang."

"Hey! Lightning! What are you doing with her?" Vanille asked, running over to a thrashing Fang.

"I'm taking her back to the house, she's entirely out of control." Cloud said as Fang beat her fists into his back.

"She'll wear herself out eventually." Vanille chirped as if it were no big deal that Fang was causing such a ruckus.

"I just don't see how Lightning could have gotten hotter than... what's the newly masculine Lightning doing with Fang?" Snow asked noticing what was taking place.

"Well, it appears as if her now stronger physique is hauling Fang's ass off." Sazh noticed.

"You don't think...Fang is actually gonna..." Serah stopped.

"What sleep with a man? Never... not on the craziest dare ever. Fang sleepin' with a guy is like Hope doing something socially deviant." Sazh finished her sentence for her.

**FFXIII**

Fang had fallen asleep during the trip back home. Cloud sighed as he carried the huntress up the stairs and laid her down upon her bed. Shaking his head he couldn't believe that Lightning's team had lasted so long. He figured his team would have probably done just as well, if Vincent wasn't there. He chuckled to himself. Maybe he should've told Lightning to forewarn Vincent of the joke in advance, that would have probably given him the win. Slowly, he made the move to walk away, to avoid a repeat of that morning, but Fang grabbed onto his wrist.

"Lightning... stay." she muttered. Cloud paused in his movements and looked down on Fang.

"No Fang." he muttered, as if he was scolding a puppy, but Fang just pulled harder on his wrist.

"Please Lightning." she whimpered again, Cloud sighed in defeat and walked over to sit down on what was probably Lightning's side of the bed. He laid down on the covers, Fang fell alseep almost instantly as he watched her. Turning over to go to sleep himself he heard a faint tapping on the window. Looking up he saw Farron sitting on the windowsill and looking in. Cloud spared a glance at Fang before walking over to let Lightning in.

"So, how was it?" he asked smoothly.

Lightning looked less than thrilled. "You could have warned me about your little vampire friend. Oh and your girl? Hard to pull a fast one on her." Lightning said.

"She's not my...what exactly did Vincent do?" Cloud asked.

"Oh, nothing. That is unless you consider near _violation_ nothing! Damn it Cloud, your friends suck!" Lightning bitched at him.

"Oh like yours are any better! If you had any idea what a pain in the ass this one was!" Cloud said as quietly as he could.

"Fang's not a pain in the ass unless you provoke her! What the fuck did you do?" Lightning argued back.

"Yeah, well, she's a handful. I'm glad I don't have to live with her" Cloud sneered. "Are you going to come inside or what?"

Lightning slipped inside and dusted off her clothing. She looked down on Cloud and smirked. "So I guess it worked, if you got Fang to suddenly decide that she's now bisexual." Cloud crossed his arms as Lightning ran her hand through her hair."I should have told you about her, shouldn't I?"

"No, really?" Cloud rolled his eyes as he made a move to the window. "I guess you win, I'll get back to you about that Materia Fusion when I clean up the mess you caused."

"Right." Lightning nodded, they shook hands as Cloud slipped out the window. Lightning turned to the dormant Fang and slipped into bed with her, waiting for her reaction come morning.

**FFXIII**

Fang yawned and put a hand over her forehead. She looked sideways only to see blue eyes staring her down.

"Good morning." a Lightning's sweet feminine voice greeted her. Fang didn't notice right away. "Did you sleep well?"

Fang nodded as she rolled over to face Lightning, slowly taking in the sight of the Farron's glorious female body.

Female...

Fang blinked as she sat up and looked down on her girlfriend.

"Lightning? Light! You're not a man anymore!" Fang practically screamed as she threw herself onto Lightning, squeezing her to pieces. "My wish came true! Lightning's back! Lightning's back!"

"Fang, I know." Lightning struggled as Fang suffocated her.

"You're not a guy anymore, love! Do you have any idea how hard it woulda been for me to get in to the idea of you bein' a guy!" Fang squealed, something that didn't occur often..

Lightning chuckled as she ran her hands through Fang's hair and initiated a kiss that Fang eagerly returned.

"Trust me Fang; it was harder for me than it was you." She smiled softly as she pulled Fang back down beside her, the huntress was more than happy to return to slumber.


End file.
